andrewharlow:

by Kelly Mark

I was reading some of the tumblrs and came across this idea. I thought I’d give it a shot.

Interviewer: When you were young, what did you want to be when you grew up?

Gui: A painter.

Interviewer: What stopped you?

Gui: Talent.

Interviewer: You don’t think you’re talented?

Gui: I didn’t as a child.

Interviewer: Why is that?

Gui: I guess if I were to analyze my self-esteem, it would be rooted in my parent lack of regard for any artistic endeavors, and my own personal battles with my best friend.

Interviewer: Your parents were immigrants?

Gui: Yes, from China. The ride was hellish and people were still very, how should I say, not “politically correct?” They assumed my parents, and me, were Japanese and we got a lot of WW2 comments. After the vietnam war, people thought we were Vietnamese, and the anger began again. I was blamed for a  lot of fathers’ deaths….

Interviewer: That must have been rough.

Gui: Very.

Interviewer: What did they have to do with art?

Gui: They wanted me to do something that would make millions and be highly respected in society, to show the “white bastards” that we were better than them. I understood their anger but I just couldn’t do medical school.

Interviewer: And getting back, what did your art have to do with your best friend?

Gui: He was an artist too.

Interviewer: Rivalry?

Gui: No, not outright, but his stuff sold first thus I felt inferior.

Interviewer: I guess in the end, you made out better?

Gui: We both took different paths.

Interviewer: What happened to him.

Gui: He went to jail for 20 years.

Interviewer: Oh wow…for what?

Gui: Manslaughter.But he didn’t do it.

Interviewer: How do you know?

Gui: I knew Elliot since we were children. He would never kill.

Interviewer: You’re so sure? People change, they have secret lives.

Gui: He didn’t do it.

Interviewer: Okay. If he blocked your creativity, why did you stay around him?

Gui: He both created and block it. 

Interviewer: How did he create it.

Gui: He inspired me.

Interviewer: Just inspiration?

Gui: I know what you’re getting at and yes, I was in love with him.

Interviewer: He was your first love?

Gui:…and last.

Interviewer: You weren’t in love with Willa Betten?

Gui: I wished everyday of our marriage that I could love her like she loved me. But sadly no…I needed her, I loved her as a friend and companion, but…nothing more. If I’d had the chance, I’d have loved again I know…but I spent too long in hiding until I could no longer hide and suddenly both my safety and my time were gone.

Interviewer: You’re speaking of your AIDS?

Gui: Yes.

Interviewer: How did you get AIDs?

Gui: I don’t know…one of the many men I went to to find carnal satisfaction…

Interviewer: Are you scared to die?

Gui: I’m scared that others won’t learn from my mistakes.

Interviewer: You mean your son?

Gui: Yes…and others.

Interviewer: Who?

Gui: Elliot….my best friend.

Interviewer: You are still in contact with him?

Gui: He works for me.

Interviewer: I’m sorry, but isn’t he the reason your life went to shit in the 70s?

Gui: Yes…and no. He made mistakes, like we all do. And he paid dearly for them, the highest price you can pay. But everyone deserves forgivness. And it was up to me to have the strengh to fight against the my mind and follow my heart. Which I didn’t. I blamed Elliot at first, but he was sick and I was desperate. And in the end, I allowed him to do what he did. If I had faith in myself, both our lives might have been very different….its too late for me, but it’s not for them…and hey, this tumblr is a change for me, it’s a step forward. Something.

Interviewer: How does your son feel about your homosexuality and AIDS?

Gui: Chi lives in a bubble. I put him there, sheltering him. And I’ve tried to pop it, but it’s up to him. One day I hope he’ll breathe new air.

Interviewer: Thank you for your time Gui.

Gui: Thank you.

My son discovered this Tumblr last night. I didn’t erase it from my history. Maybe it was a subconscious move…so he’d finally understand. My sickness no longer puzzles him…His reaction was….less than I hope…But he is young, he is fool-hearty, and he’ll learn about compassion and forgiveness. I have. We all have. And although I won’t be here for much longer, I hope one day he will see the light for all its beauty.

Today I had a rather bad spell. Ever since the trip to Europe, I’ve come back far worse. Maybe the trip drained my last supplies, but it seems my body and my mind are no longer in agreement. My body wishes to depart and leave this world of cruel people and empty voids, but my mind knows that hope lives in every painting. Before my body takes flight, I hope my mind can paint the last image it sees.

What will Chi do without me? I fear for him. He’s so scared of living…just like I was.

foreignfires:

And this girl will sigh,

take me high, take me higher.

Her eyes most refusing to let go.

And it’s shine will wink, i’ll take you higher.

I’ll take you higher than you’ve gone before.

I’ll strip the shoes off your conceived soul.

I’ll brighten your eyes to what they’ve never once saw.

I’ll…

pinksubmergence:

last night I wrote something for you
not about you, but for you
prepositions change meanings
I had them adjusted last night.
 
it read, “I am not waterproof”
waves could crash, could stir
under my eyelash it could swell
“I mustn’t drown” - it read, it read

yesterday you painted my arms

George Gordon Byron, When We Two Parted. (via lareinaperdida)

My heart cries.

atomicyawn:

“All across the United States, large and small cities are closing public libraries or curtailing their hours of operations. Detroit, I read a few days ago, may close all of its branches and Denver half of its own: decisions that will undoubtedly put hundreds of its employees out of work. When you count the families all over this country who don’t have computers or can’t afford Internet connections and rely on the ones in libraries to look for jobs, the consequences will be even more dire. People everywhere are unhappy about these closings, and so are mayors making the hard decisions. But with roads and streets left in disrepair, teachers, policemen and firemen being laid off, and politicians in both parties pledging never to raise taxes, no matter what happens to our quality of life, the outlook is bleak.”

“The greatest nation on earth,” as we still call ourselves, no longer has the political will to arrest its visible and precipitous decline and save the institutions on which the workings of our democracy depend.”

- Charles Simic

This makes me so sad. How will the future generations learn without the glories that books offer?

My secret love growing up. So many memories of reading his poetry under my sheets.